Police agencies locally, nationally, and around the world are gearing up for an anticipated crime spree of home invasions, criminal damaging, and animal cruelty. We spoke with Chief Hille of the Candyland Police Department (CPD) who feels that due to innovative policing there is a good chance the “perp” will be apprehended this year. He stated that the suspect, who has been described as a jolly old elf, will not be so jolly this year. “Let’s just see how well he likes Bubba in the big house”, said Chief Hille.
We spoke to Lieutenant Haris, Commander of the WKMTYD1 crime Analysis Unit of the Candyland Police Department. She said that new crime analysis techniques will be used this year, including a Records Management System (with built in analytical features), Hot spot analysis, the MOONS2 report, and a shiny new police whistle, will be valuable tools in putting an end to this crime spree, once again making our streets safe. Lt. Haris is confident that her crack team of crime analysts, consultants, and computer geeks will prevail. “We got you Mr.Elf” she said as she reached for yet another dough nut.
We spoke with Mr. Ezekiel Caine, a victim from last years attacks. Mr. Caine lives in a quiet downtown neighborhood known as Under The Wine (UTW). We asked him to described what happened. He said “well sir, there I was laying in the bed almost asleep when I heard this gawd awful clatter on my roof”. I ran outside to see what was the matter and there was this weird dude up on my roof just a clinging to my chimbly.” “He kept yelling “Ho Ho Ho”. I hollered at him to get down offa my roof. I said there ain’t no ho in there, that’s just my wife Cindy Lou.” “He looked at me real skeered like, and then ran to the other side of my roof. I ran around to my back yard and that is when I seen it.”
“Right there on my roof was a red sleigh with 9 tiny reindeer. He shouted at them, but they just kept pawing at my roof. He jumped out and begin hollering at the lead critter, calling him all kind of cuss words, and punching him in the nose. Well Sir, his nose swelled up, was all red with blood, and so shiny that you could even say it glowed. (PETA and the ASCPA are investigating these allegations)He jumped back in the sleigh and it took off. I figgered they was goners and would all get kilt when they fell of my roof, but they went up and flew away. Durnest thing I ever did see”. I am still waiting for the insurance company to pay for my roof. They won’t belove my story and they want a police report, and the cop who came out told me to sober up and call back in the morning”.
Citizens are requested to be on the look out for this individual. If spotted, do not attempt to apprehend but call your local police department, or dial 119. The perpetrator is described as short and fat, flowing white beard, in a red suit with black boots and black belt. Those who have encountered him report an odor of cookies and milk on his breath. He has several aliases, including Santa Clause, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, and others. If you have information that could lead to his arrest you may call in a tip to CrimePoppers at 555-3040, or submit an on line to to www.tipcandyland.org. You may be eligible for a monetary reward.
1 WKMTYD = We Know More Than You Do
2.MOOMS – Mediocre Observations On Negative Situations
Merry Christmas to all from the Phoenix