Before I begin I will issue a spoiler alert. This article will consist of thoughts, ideas, conjectures, and surmises of my pending death. Now, before you begin either mourning or celebrating I feel compelled to tell you I have no news about my demise nor do I know when it will occur. I only know it will occur. In preparation for that time, whether it be moments or years away, I submit the following for your consideration. I don’t mind writing on this topic as I have no fear of death. I truly believe in an afterlife, and I somewhat believe in reincarnation. Since none of us know the real truth of the matter we all must make up our own minds and proceed as if our impressions of what happens next is what happens next. I can only say, if you believe there is no after life, and there is, you might regret not having prepared. However, if you prepare as if there is an afterlife and there is not, you are none the worse for it, and you will not know to regret it. I prefer the “better safe than sorry” approach.
The reason I am telling this to you is because I wish to lay some ground rules for how I feel about what happens on this side once I am floating around on the other side. By way of preparation, I will tell you that as I grow older I find increasingly more notices of people I have known, or known of, listed as not living (dead). Typically one or two things happen at the instance of notification. If it turns out the person has survived a long and happy life and is older than I am now, I find it as reason to hope that I to will live a long and happy life. On the other hand, if the deceased person is younger than me, even if only by a few months or years, I am quickly reminded of my mortality and realized that I could be next on the Grim Reaper’s list. (Hang on while I take my blood pressure and check my pulse) Okay, I am back and based on the numbers, I should be able to get through this article and post it for all to see. But, back to the original point of this article. Here are my instructions for anyone who cares to follow them. I realize that final instructions are supposed to be part of my last will and testament but my attorney did not ask the right questions so this blog article is designed to correct the oversight. So here goes.
- Do not mourn me. I will not appreciate it and I do not expect it will make me feel any better about my passing thinking I have caused any sadness or depression because of this inevitable event. At least one person will probably say “he has gone on to a better place”. I believe this to be true so there is no point in being anything but happy for my good fortune, but not too happy.
- If you know embarrassing or “cute” stories about me, keep them to your self. On the other hand, if you know of heroic or awesome events (there were a few moments) spread the news. I would like to think that at least one or two people might say “he will be missed”, but not too much and not for too long.
- Somebody please be sure and take care of my dogs. All you humans who knew me can probably take care of yourselves but somebody must look after the dogs. For their sake, as quickly as possible get rid of all reminders of me. To a dog, that is anything that might carry my scent. That will help them to forget that I ever was. There will be dogs, because there always have been. That is how I know they will need looking after.
- Finally (is that relief I hear in your voice) do not R.I.P. me. First off, I think if I mean anything to anyone, they should at least take the time to say it or write it in its entirety. Rest in Peace does not take that long to say or write. The few extra seconds or keystrokes expended will tell me you care. However, you do not have to say it at all as I have no intention of “Resting”. I do look forward to the “Peace”. A more suitable expression may be to say “Be Active In Peace”. I will have a lot on my plate in the afterlife. I have a lot of people to see, and lot of wrongs to right, and a lot of time to do it. And maybe, if I can figure it out, there might be a haunting or two as well.
So there you have it. My last “not a will and not a testament”. I hope you take me serious, particularly the part of not mourning. The first kin who shows up at my afterlife party in a black suit or black dress will become the victim of some minor, yet highly embarrassing, accident. Sure, sure, you don’t believe it could really happen, but why take the chance. I would hope that anyone who reads this would follow these instructions and I hope that will be a long, long, long, time before they do. That is all, there is no more. Thank you in advance.
Those are my thoughts, what are yours?
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